Trip Hop singer, songwriter, and producer Vanessa Tottle opens up about her deeply personal track “Can I Go Now?”, sharing the grief, memories, and creative process that shaped its haunting beauty.
1. “Can I Go Now?” was written after the passing of your mother-in-law and described as a love note to your four children. What moment or emotion first pushed you to sit down and write this song?
Ma passed on a Monday, my husband had travelled to be with family to help with arrangements. I had been told that her last words were can I go now? Or to that effect, and so when no one else was home I sat on the couch to take a moment and the words just came to me. I started to write them and after the funeral I shared this with my husband who in turn passed my phone around the table for them to read. That’s where the song sat for a year before I recorded the vocals, it was too much to deal with even after that year!
2. You chose to keep the tremble in your voice during the recording. How did embracing that rawness shape the track’s emotional impact and your own connection to it?
With songwriting and singing it’s a great vehicle for the grief train and I was riding that train daily so for me to keep that rawness – it was easy! It was a good outlet for me, it was about a struggle with an illness that took Ma in 3 short brutal years – yet this track needed to be beautiful, a love letter.
3. The song references sand and uses vintage-style vocals with subtle reverb. How did you craft the sonic atmosphere to reflect June’s spirit and the story you wanted to tell?
Waihi Beach is where all the family would congregate for years and she simply loved life at the beach, my daughter and all of the cousins have memories as well as her own children of being on the beach and Ma going in for a swim herself. The vintage style for me was about how I saw her – an English rose born in Wales and when I think back to the stories we would discuss over tea and Coronation Street, it just felt extremely fitting to have that element in the songs creative process. And who can say no to a subtle reverb?
4. Trip Hop isn’t always associated with deeply personal narratives. How do you balance intimate storytelling with the genre’s dreamy, atmospheric production?
One of the many things I love about Trip Hop is its ability to let you be expressive – with the music, and lyrics. With it being a blend of different elements, R&B Regge, Electronica, Soul, Jazz – I find it easy to translate it into Trip Hop together with my strong vocals – I feel the music I create and I hold the lyrics to it and constantly check if this is staying the course, kinda like a Jedi knight I feel the genre flow through me, its a surreal euphoric feeling – does that sound weird ha! I also have other songs that are a little faster, different shape but they all fall under the Trip Hop genre. With every song I create there is a story, even with the instrumental tracks I produce for Radio Trip Hop Brazil – in my head there are full length videos playing – if only money was no object!
5. You’ll be performing “Can I Go Now?” live in Brisbane at the Stone Corner Hotel. What can listeners expect from hearing this song in a live, open-mic setting compared to the recorded version?
They can expect a strong performance and from someone who has had to battle the grief journey since 2023. That emotion will certainly still be there as the anniversary of her passing will be the next day. Hopefully they can connect with me through my set and come for a chat afterwards – perhaps my journey can help someone else.
6. This is your final release of 2025. After such an emotionally significant project, what direction do you feel your music and creativity will take moving forward?
I am staying the course on my musical journey. I am very proud of myself for staying in the Trip Hop genre even though not classed as mainstream. I have never been one to follow the pack so it’s fitting I have fallen into this genre. A few people including my sound engineer has said to me “you can tell this is your work, there are certain things you do with the production that is signature”. Those comments are unreal but I am so grateful to be seen as that – one of my aims is to be seen more, so thank you for allowing me to answer questions on your platform. I have my release plan locked till March 2027 with more songs to produce and write. My next single to be released is in February 2026 and I can’t wait to share that with everyone.
Vanessa Tottle Music (@vanessa_t_music) • Photos et vidéos Instagram
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